{"id":905,"date":"2016-06-15T21:09:17","date_gmt":"2016-06-15T21:09:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/microcosmpublishing.com\/blog\/?p=905"},"modified":"2016-06-23T22:09:41","modified_gmt":"2016-06-23T22:09:41","slug":"on-grief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/microcosmpublishing.com\/blog\/2016\/06\/on-grief\/","title":{"rendered":"On Grief"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Dr<\/a>This week, in the midst of national grieving, I happened to be editing a new zine by Dr. Faith… about grief. When I sent back the edits, I asked if she had any thoughts to share for folks coping with the tragedy in Orlando. She sent along the thoughts on Intimacy in Times of Fear<\/a> she’d posted on her own blog, and suggested we blog an excerpt from her zine: The Griever’s Bill of Rights. Here it is:<\/p>\n

“June Cerza Kolf created a Bill of Rights for the Bereaved, published in her book How Can I Help?<\/a><\/em>. Her bill of rights, with my slight alterations and suggestions are as follows:<\/p>\n

Grievers Bill of Rights<\/strong>
\n1)\tDo not make me do anything I do not wish to do.<\/strong>
\nUnless you are in literal danger, you have the right to not have someone\u2019s will forced upon you. Even if it is for your own good. Even if they are dead right and have all the best intentions. At least not in those first days and weeks when you are absolutely shattered. Keep breathing in and out. It can wait.
\n2)\tLet me cry.<\/strong>
\nFuck, yes. Cry. Be angry. Be numb. Be hysterical as all fuck. Whatever you are feeling is what you are feeling. Don\u2019t hurt yourself, don\u2019t hurt others. But get whatever you need to get out OUT.
\n3)\tAllow me to talk about the loss.<\/strong>
\nKolf\u2019s original said \u201cthe deceased.\u201d But I\u2019m opening this up to any grief experience. You get to talk about it. If you don\u2019t have people who can be with you in that process, find a good counselor or join a support group. Find closure. Don\u2019t hold in your story. Telling our story helps us find meaning and helps us heal.
\n4)\tDo not force me to make quick decisions.<\/strong>
\nIf decisions need to be made quickly, pick someone you trust to be your point person. Everything that isn\u2019t pressing can fucking wait. You don\u2019t have to make decisions when you are reeling. In fact, making BIG decisions right after a huge loss often leads to regret and damaging fall-out in the end.
\n5)\tLet me act strange sometimes.<\/strong>
\nYou may be fine for long periods of time and then something may trigger you. You may not even know what. But you may weird out. You\u2019re allowed. You\u2019re allowed to act strange. You are allowed to not even know why. With time you will start to recognize these triggers and be prepared for their eventuality.
\n6)\tLet me see that you are grieving, too.<\/strong>
\nIt can be very healing to share your grief, whether with someone who is hurting along with you or for your pain. Human connection is vital.
\n7)\tWhen I am angry, do not discount it.<\/strong>
\nAnger is a secondary emotion. It\u2019s coming from a place of pain and makes sense. You\u2019re allowed anger as part of your experience. It\u2019s a healthy part of the process and can be extraordinarily healing if you attend to it.
\n8)\tDo not speak to me in platitudes.<\/strong>
\nThis goes back to what to say\/what not to say. Platitudes are far worse than silence. They are a tiny Snoopy band-aid on an enormous wound. They don\u2019t help, they don\u2019t heal.
\n9)\tListen to me, please!<\/strong>
\nYou have the right to be heard. Not just listened to enough to respond to, but deeply heard in your experience. If you aren\u2019t getting that from the people around you, ask for it. Or find it in a more formal support experience (therapy, self-help group, etc.)
\n10)\tForgive me my trespasses, my rudeness, and my thoughtlessness.
\n<\/strong>Ok. Don\u2019t intentionally be a dick because you can get away with it. But you do have leeway in this regard. You are not responsible for the care and feelings of others. You need to try to not actively be awful, but you get space to be spaced. Keep breathing. Apologize if you do or say something un-fabulous. But don\u2019t beat yourself up for being in the muck if that\u2019s where you are.”<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

In case you haven’t discovered her work yet, Dr. Faith G. Harper is one of our most prolific authors whose book hasn’t even come out yet. Her forthcoming book Unfuck Your Brain<\/a><\/em> will be available in fall 2017; meanwhile, her constantly growing collection of zines<\/a> combine science, compassion, and a lot of wonderfully hilarious swearing to tackle topics from Anger and Anxiety to healthy Relationshipping. The Grief zine<\/a> comes out as soon as it’s back from the photocopier.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This week, in the midst of national grieving, I happened to be editing a new zine by Dr. Faith… about grief. When I sent back the edits, I asked if she had any thoughts to share for folks coping with the tragedy in Orlando. She sent along the thoughts on Intimacy in Times of Fear… Read more »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[51,52,59,60],"class_list":["post-905","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blogifesto","tag-diy","tag-feelings","tag-grief","tag-zines"],"my_excerpt":"\"Dr<\/a>This week, in the midst of national grieving, I happened to be editing a new zine by Dr. Faith... about grief. When I sent back the edits, I asked if she had any thoughts to share for folks coping with the tragedy in Orlando. She sent along the thoughts on Intimacy in Times of Fear<\/a> she'd posted on her own blog, and suggested we blog an excerpt from her zine: The Griever's Bill of Rights. Here it is:\r\n\r\n\"June Cerza Kolf created a Bill of Rights for the Bereaved, published in her book How Can I Help?<\/a><\/em>. Her bill of rights, with my slight alterations and suggestions are as follows:\r\n\r\nGrievers Bill of Rights<\/strong>\r\n1)\tDo not make me do anything I do not wish to do.<\/strong>\r\nUnless you are in literal danger, you have the right to not have someone\u2019s will forced upon you. Even if it is for your own good. Even if they are dead right and have all the best intentions. At least not in those first days and weeks when you are absolutely shattered. Keep breathing in and out. It can wait.\r\n2)\tLet me cry.<\/strong>\r\nFuck, yes. Cry. Be angry. Be numb. Be hysterical as all fuck. Whatever you are feeling is what you are feeling. Don\u2019t hurt yourself, don\u2019t hurt others. But get whatever you need to get out OUT.\r\n3)\tAllow me to talk about the loss.<\/strong>\r\nKolf\u2019s original said \u201cthe deceased.\u201d But I\u2019m opening this up to any grief experience. You get to talk about it. If you don\u2019t have people who can be with you in that process, find a good counselor or join a support group. Find closure. Don\u2019t hold in your story. Telling our story helps us find meaning and helps us heal.\r\n4)\tDo not force me to make quick decisions.<\/strong>\r\nIf decisions need to be made quickly, pick someone you trust to be your point person. Everything that isn\u2019t pressing can fucking wait. You don\u2019t have to make decisions when you are reeling. In fact, making BIG decisions right after a huge loss often leads to regret and damaging fall-out in the end.\r\n5)\tLet me act strange sometimes.<\/strong>\r\nYou may be fine for long periods of time and then something may trigger you. You may not even know what. But you may weird out. You\u2019re allowed. You\u2019re allowed to act strange. You are allowed to not even know why. With time you will start to recognize these triggers and be prepared for their eventuality.\r\n6)\tLet me see that you are grieving, too.<\/strong>\r\nIt can be very healing to share your grief, whether with someone who is hurting along with you or for your pain. Human connection is vital.\r\n7)\tWhen I am angry, do not discount it.<\/strong>\r\nAnger is a secondary emotion. It\u2019s coming from a place of pain and makes sense. You\u2019re allowed anger as part of your experience. It\u2019s a healthy part of the process and can be extraordinarily healing if you attend to it.\r\n8)\tDo not speak to me in platitudes.<\/strong>\r\nThis goes back to what to say\/what not to say. Platitudes are far worse than silence. They are a tiny Snoopy band-aid on an enormous wound. They don\u2019t help, they don\u2019t heal.\r\n9)\tListen to me, please!<\/strong>\r\nYou have the right to be heard. Not just listened to enough to respond to, but deeply heard in your experience. If you aren\u2019t getting that from the people around you, ask for it. Or find it in a more formal support experience (therapy, self-help group, etc.)\r\n10)\tForgive me my trespasses, my rudeness, and my thoughtlessness.\r\n<\/strong>Ok. Don\u2019t intentionally be a dick because you can get away with it. But you do have leeway in this regard. You are not responsible for the care and feelings of others. You need to try to not actively be awful, but you get space to be spaced. Keep breathing. Apologize if you do or say something un-fabulous. But don\u2019t beat yourself up for being in the muck if that\u2019s where you are.\"\r\n\r\n***\r\n\r\nIn case you haven't discovered her work yet, Dr. Faith G. Harper is one of our most prolific authors whose book hasn't even come out yet. Her forthcoming book Unfuck Your Brain<\/a><\/em> will be available in fall 2017; meanwhile, her constantly growing collection of zines<\/a> combine science, compassion, and a lot of wonderfully hilarious swearing to tackle topics from Anger and Anxiety to healthy Relationshipping. The Grief zine<\/a> comes out as soon as it's back from the photocopier.\r\n\r\n\r\n","my_excerpt_rendered":"

\"Dr<\/a>This week, in the midst of national grieving, I happened to be editing a new zine by Dr. Faith… about grief. When I sent back the edits, I asked if she had any thoughts to share for folks coping with the tragedy in Orlando. She sent along the thoughts on Intimacy in Times of Fear<\/a> she’d posted on her own blog, and suggested we blog an excerpt from her zine: The Griever’s Bill of Rights. Here it is:<\/p>\n

“June Cerza Kolf created a Bill of Rights for the Bereaved, published in her book How Can I Help?<\/a><\/em>. Her bill of rights, with my slight alterations and suggestions are as follows:<\/p>\n

Grievers Bill of Rights<\/strong>
\n1)\tDo not make me do anything I do not wish to do.<\/strong>
\nUnless you are in literal danger, you have the right to not have someone\u2019s will forced upon you. Even if it is for your own good. Even if they are dead right and have all the best intentions. At least not in those first days and weeks when you are absolutely shattered. Keep breathing in and out. It can wait.
\n2)\tLet me cry.<\/strong>
\nFuck, yes. Cry. Be angry. Be numb. Be hysterical as all fuck. Whatever you are feeling is what you are feeling. Don\u2019t hurt yourself, don\u2019t hurt others. But get whatever you need to get out OUT.
\n3)\tAllow me to talk about the loss.<\/strong>
\nKolf\u2019s original said \u201cthe deceased.\u201d But I\u2019m opening this up to any grief experience. You get to talk about it. If you don\u2019t have people who can be with you in that process, find a good counselor or join a support group. Find closure. Don\u2019t hold in your story. Telling our story helps us find meaning and helps us heal.
\n4)\tDo not force me to make quick decisions.<\/strong>
\nIf decisions need to be made quickly, pick someone you trust to be your point person. Everything that isn\u2019t pressing can fucking wait. You don\u2019t have to make decisions when you are reeling. In fact, making BIG decisions right after a huge loss often leads to regret and damaging fall-out in the end.
\n5)\tLet me act strange sometimes.<\/strong>
\nYou may be fine for long periods of time and then something may trigger you. You may not even know what. But you may weird out. You\u2019re allowed. You\u2019re allowed to act strange. You are allowed to not even know why. With time you will start to recognize these triggers and be prepared for their eventuality.
\n6)\tLet me see that you are grieving, too.<\/strong>
\nIt can be very healing to share your grief, whether with someone who is hurting along with you or for your pain. Human connection is vital.
\n7)\tWhen I am angry, do not discount it.<\/strong>
\nAnger is a secondary emotion. It\u2019s coming from a place of pain and makes sense. You\u2019re allowed anger as part of your experience. It\u2019s a healthy part of the process and can be extraordinarily healing if you attend to it.
\n8)\tDo not speak to me in platitudes.<\/strong>
\nThis goes back to what to say\/what not to say. Platitudes are far worse than silence. They are a tiny Snoopy band-aid on an enormous wound. They don\u2019t help, they don\u2019t heal.
\n9)\tListen to me, please!<\/strong>
\nYou have the right to be heard. Not just listened to enough to respond to, but deeply heard in your experience. If you aren\u2019t getting that from the people around you, ask for it. Or find it in a more formal support experience (therapy, self-help group, etc.)
\n10)\tForgive me my trespasses, my rudeness, and my thoughtlessness.
\n<\/strong>Ok. Don\u2019t intentionally be a dick because you can get away with it. But you do have leeway in this regard. You are not responsible for the care and feelings of others. You need to try to not actively be awful, but you get space to be spaced. Keep breathing. Apologize if you do or say something un-fabulous. But don\u2019t beat yourself up for being in the muck if that\u2019s where you are.”<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

In case you haven’t discovered her work yet, Dr. Faith G. Harper is one of our most prolific authors whose book hasn’t even come out yet. Her forthcoming book Unfuck Your Brain<\/a><\/em> will be available in fall 2017; meanwhile, her constantly growing collection of zines<\/a> combine science, compassion, and a lot of wonderfully hilarious swearing to tackle topics from Anger and Anxiety to healthy Relationshipping. The Grief zine<\/a> comes out as soon as it’s back from the photocopier.<\/p>\n","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/microcosmpublishing.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/905","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/microcosmpublishing.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/microcosmpublishing.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/microcosmpublishing.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/microcosmpublishing.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=905"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/microcosmpublishing.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/905\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":930,"href":"https:\/\/microcosmpublishing.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/905\/revisions\/930"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/microcosmpublishing.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=905"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/microcosmpublishing.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=905"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/microcosmpublishing.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=905"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}